Archive for September, 2008

My Dad with an umbrella

I was very surprised to open a copy of last Sunday’s Observer newspaper and find a picture of my dad heading a very touching story about the repatriation of UK troops from Iraq and Afghanistan.

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Inside the tunnel of the LHC

As the test firing of the Large Hadron Collider commenced at about 0930BST this morning, certain cretinous people around the world prepared for the end of the world as the care-free scientists of CERN played god with science.

They didn’t destroy the world of course, the fact you are reading this now proves it. And don’t get all existential with smart-alec comments about how we’ve shifted dimensions either, no damage has been done as CERN have only fired two beams of protons to test the circuit of the huge undergroud tunnel; the first low energy particle collisions are still days away.

I must quote Professor Brian Cox of Manchester University who was reported in the Daily Telegraph article linked above as saying, “Anyone who thinks the LHC will destroy the world is a t—.”

Anybody still concerned about the LHC can visit www.hasthelhcdestroyedtheearth.com to check on the status of the Earth’s exisitance.

Folks, make space in your diaries for the first week in October as Lyneham Stage Club will be performing their next production, Constance Cox’s reworking of the Oscar Wilde short story Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime.

After a fateful palm reading reveals that Lord Arthur Savile will one day be a murderer, Arthur decides to postpone his upcoming wedding until he has committed the murder, therefore preventing his fiancee from becoming his victim.

Aided by his long-suffering butler and an anarchist, Arthur soon learns that it is harder to commit a murder than popular fiction has led him to believe…

Tickets are available from myself, the names on the poster or from the Lyneham Stage Club website.

And before you ask, yes, I am in it and I can’t provide free tickets.

Oh, and can I mention that I designed the poster as well? I thank you.

I do like these new self-serve checkouts they have at all the major supermarkets. Not only do they reduce the opportunity for clod-brained supermarket staff to treat me like a criminal, they give us normal members of the public the chance to be a checkout girl/boy and play with the scanning lasers without the shame of having to get a job in a supermarket in the first place.

spEak You’re bRanes is a website that offers a window into the psyche of the average British nutcase.

You know the type of person, it’s a person whose stupid opinions punctuate level-headed, sensible journalism by contorting any article into a pro-Nazi Muslim-baiting propaganda message.

I particularly liked one example of a person who felt the need to take time to write to the BBC complaints section to say, “The weather presenter was heavily pregnant, which annoyed me immensely. Instead of standing there looking as if she was about to give birth, she should just go home and look after herself. Someone needs to tell her to stop being so silly.”

spEak You’re bRanes – If you like it so much, why don’t you go live there?